He Said Very Little

Posted: July 31, 2018 in Uncategorized

Very few words ever spilled out his mouth rather were silently written in subtle gestures and mundane actions assumed to be frivolous in nature but were yet another installment added to the volumes of tacit I love yous, I respect you, I am proud all to be found in his untitled anthology.

Silence seemed to be his comfort but might have held him captive to an arsenal of weaponized emotions occassionally falling victim to internal friendly fire. Only if he could have found some modicum of freedom, some freedom of expression, any expression of meaning that gave the rest of us a clue.

Many assumed the worst few assumed the best some just assumed he didn’t care but perhaps it was that he cared beyond any quantifiable measure and he himself found his own emotions insurmountable. As a man of few words, maybe he was trapped in some sort of ironic mental crosswords considering he was a wordsmith but always appeared to be at a loss for words at any given time.

Milestone moments would simply be a beat of time that ticked onward without his involvement beyond his presence as though he was never really there he was just a physical form and his spirit self was off somewhere else having fun on its own.

In conversations my inner Barbara Streisand always kicked in enduring his blank stares that I read as disinterest “Papa can you hear me?” or maybe my Judy Blume voice “Are you there God, it’s me Margaret?” Then thinking may be it wasn’t me. It was probably best to characterize him and anything pertaining to as him being perpetually trapped in a Diana Ross song

Do you know where you’re going to?Do you like the things that life is showing you?Where are you going to? do you know?Do you get what you’re hoping for?When you look behind you there’s no open doorWhat are you hoping for?Do you know?

But how sad was it that the question remained unasked it remained unanswered it remained unexplored. And now all that exists of his remains is a presence of stoic looks forever etched into the canvass of my brain because during his lifetime he said very little.


Unfear Your Tears

Posted: February 10, 2018 in Uncategorized
We are more than our fears, our struggles, the haters and emotions, we are more than

our tears so unfear them.

Dizzy spells from years of a tortured hell welled tears in the corners of my eyes as I SAW time fly by asking myself repeatedly BUT why/ Why must I suffer better yet silently die as I hide deep inside fighting against the myriad of lies TRYING my best not to ever show emotion especially not cry because eventually over time the pain will subside/ Plus men are called weak if their eyes don’t stay dry. So buried goes our hurt we become emotionally shy because not one single dude wants to ever be known as THAT guy.
Perched at the rim a drop drips from the brim trickles down my face A START to no end and I feel it all begin/ an anger rages deeper within now a river of saline traps years of failures & WITH very little wins without cause the fear kicks in once again my head starts to uncontrollably spin feeling like I’m all washed up like a whosit, a nobody a pathetic has been THE MAN that never was but is the answer to the riddle, the unspoken or hardly ever asked question, the proverbial missing link, building block notably referred to as THE gamechanging linchpin.
There I was all caught up in my feelings a MANIC mess, my scattered and tattered emotions swinging from right to left, feeling sadness no gladness, sacked and depressed, trying to dismiss this sense that I’m overwhelmed and bereft AS A BLACK MAN a victim of human rights theft and in this life THAT TRUTH generationally, historically suppressed bursting into brief moments of ridiculous jest but regardless of WHAT I stay true to the journey and continue my quest.
Though the spells of dizzy become dizzying ever greater as I struggle to ignore all the simple-minded haters dream takers your basic naysayers the kaleidoscope of race baiters in all their shades and hues some of them Darth Vaders converged become my thoughts opposing pundits and commentators ‘cuz they do for us nothing don’t ya’ll see they’re instigators carbon copies-imitators, SEEMING down for the cause but are agents of the man plain ol’ infiltrators.
The issue that plagues my people is the masses turn to sheeple and what needs to be emphatically stated gets SIDESWEPT, devalued & underrated those issues get conflated and there goes my happiness commodified & regulated, commercialized & fabricated, my happiness moderated, berated then truncated, no happiness now I’m feeling broken despirited & deflated.
All this from a single tear drop I tried to hold back that gave way to the onslaught of an emotional attack my delight of being a proud man known to all as being black the pride giving way to the weight, the stacks of facts so high the damn done broke, I’m crazed like a maniac, I’m not sure but I think my life as I know it’s been culturally hacked I’m anguished &enraged I’m going off script heading off track meandering my way to the truth absolute unbridled truth’s an aphrodisiac.
And as tears flood my face, the flood fills my pores, like a deluge to an arid desert it nourishes my thirsty core, my soul becomes watered my angers washed ashore, all that’s been stolen I’m told there’s still more, my fears now removed & my happiness restored, my emotions in control and the pain is no more so as I live in the struggle building ties of good rapport the torture and the hell I’ll just learn to ignore, I’ll continue to explore be a lion causing uproars, find’n youngnz make them hear me and be their mentor, become a known Griot that writes stories of folklore. See My time has just begun God is opening new doors, and when all’s said and done my credentials stay hardcore but for now I call it quits job done cuz this poem settles the final score!

Not Your Magical Negro!

Posted: October 19, 2017 in Uncategorized

I’m not your Magical Negro… you know the educated one that smiles on cue and makes you feel safe; Not because of my fare skin or proper speech will you give me a pass, a key, full access to open up equality’s gates. I’m not the Magical Negro! You know the one that says all the right things and makes the right moves always on the right side of the law, the one that forgets the injustice of the Man’s hand as the overseeing officer takes a nightstick, his fists, or presses a gun’s nozzle up against my clenched jaw.

See I’m not that Magical Negro awaiting your approval be it a nod of the head or a grimacing smirk spreading across your alabaster face as I pass by or approach and your body shifts to the center as you look around to make sure I keep my distance or give a signal that I know and maintain my assigned place. That on any given day I know that no matter what in any situation or the infraction or how slight the offense that you will always be right even when you’re obviously wrong that at the end of the day I’ll be proven guilty before not as I cry tears of pain my life barely adding up to a Swan’s song.

Meaning no matter how beautiful I appear, or how civil I behave, or how stellar a performance wherein I’m all society’s rage that one step to the left that’s center of the line that if I don’t stay silent, play nice you might not grant me a life worthy of living to receive my just rewards over the span of a lifetime. I’m clear that to you my life mean’s little to nothing I just exist for your hatred proof of your ignorance or lack of even the smallest bit of guilt that before you hear my screams of agony you’ll continue your crusade the blatant agenda to erase my presence from the pages of history’s will.

It’s like if history were a person and we were both evenly named to carry out it’s last wishes there’d be no 50/50 nothing to be split better yet you’re to get the bulk of the estate take the lion’s share as I shut my mouth play victim to your evil ways of being devious and malicious. Think about it for me to be your magical negro I would need to be completely mute, dumber than dumb, and all the way blind, like so blind I’d never see justice for the slain, speak up for myself or learn how to shift the political paradigm.

I’d have to dismiss my ancestor’s contribution, 12 years or underground, the anthology the narrative of a slave, be they the one in the house, or in the field, or those constantly pursuing elusive freedom as they continued trying to runaway.

Like I’m not that Magical Negro designed to be yours finding myself holding hands singing songs of peace laughing at insensitive jokes who turns the other cheek while you rob me of my spirit plotting my death to become less than a reference, not hardly newsworthy, of very little meaning found at the bottom of a page nothing more than a footnote.

See the fact is that while I m not your magical negro not in any shape, way, or form not even a little bit I know I baffle your mind, scramble your brain and appear as an enigma or call it let’s see, let’s call it pure magic to survive as a proud negro, black man, African American performing tricks dodging the barrage the mistreatment, a life you view as unfit horrific quite plainly a life that is tragic.

So just so you know, know that I know, and for the record that you don’t, that whatever the case your needs are beyond the scope of my purpose you’ve been found out caught and brought to a full stop cuz being your magical negro you can bet for damn sure I’m not!

Damn! I Got Feelings Already

Posted: August 5, 2017 in Uncategorized

His eyes searched my soul each time he looked in my direction as if gazing into the wonderous universe many galaxies and light years beyond anyone’s existence.
Love was not a word that could yet describe the intensity of desire that I felt each time I was in his presence and lust could only cheapen the feeling. I dared not dream nor imagine what it would be to get lost in the safety and comfort of his arms.

Sitting near him my nerves tingled like wild brushfires as my heart raced uncontrollably becoming flushed with warm pangs of passion. If only he could touch me my flesh would melt underneath his fingertips. I gasped for air at the mere thought of this hoping to breathe in each breath he expelled.

It was undeniable his beauty, clearly his looks was made by the gods and praising their creation would become my new obsession. Whet was my appetite and my thirst seemingly unquenching as I began drinking him in greedily feeding the fantasy that ran amuck in my mind.

He had left me breathless from the first time we met; arrested, shivering inside with seismic tremors, undulating pulses resulting from his vibrational frequency. I could only hope to be rescued from his captivating aura, though the damage was already done. It was time to surrender the battle was over, there was nothing left of me to resist.

He was the victor of this unspoken struggle and my silence was the punishment for allowing myself to be tortured by his charm. Would it ever be known how I suffered each time he parted his rosy lips to speak that I was mesmerized by his voice. Was there anything to gain from dropping a crumb of a hint that might lead him to the trails of emotions he had awakened inside me.

My love would be unrequited and the looks of longing remain unmeasured, he would be none the wiser of what he stirred within me when I looked back at him. He would be free from any blame for the broken heartstrings he had plucked to nothing. For truly he was guilty of nothing, had comitted no crime, he was only the unwitting culprit who had stolen my breath away.

And I, forever trapped by his gaze would always be ready, wiiling, and able to receive him without hesitation, without barriers, without knowing, if he could possibly share the tiniest piece of himself to ever feel the same.

Vestiges of a City Loved

Posted: August 3, 2017 in Uncategorized

The pages of my life turned at each street corner, with every step like a word, every sidewalk like long sentences in a paragraph, every block like a brief chapter, every day a short story lived./ Underneath the dingy, dimly cast street lights I felt the eerie shadows of darkness creeping along side me keeping my lonesome company. In a city of millions being alone was easier than fitting in.

Convinced there was much to be discovered, I set the aimless task of knowing each and every inch of the city’s landscape. Fearlessly seeking the next thrill in search of fuel to feed my restless mind. Train rides became long expeditions that stretched across boroughs like the great ships that sailed the high seas and vast oceans, eager to discover new world’s, every destination promising a hidden treasure above and below ground.

People were but court jesters, something to marvel, be amused by, their presence of little consequence, figures to be captured and frozen in time like an artist’s muse, then dismissed at will as I walked by. I was of the belief that I could do and have whatever I wanted, it was there for the taking and I took plenty. I was a magician using the city and all within as my props, honing my craft of illusion to entertain the masses then vanish into thin air.

Entranced by it all, time stood still wherein the center of the universe was New York City; its sky scraped with architectural wonders that twinkled at night like glowing fireflies. A frenetic energy and pulse palpable even to outsiders, the natives moved through space owning their surroundings like gang members protecting their turf. Each person shuffled about as if moving in tandem to the broken beats of a drummers cadence, flocking to and fro, organized chaos at its best.

Waste littered gutters lined the canyon of buildings greeteing culturally starved tourists who poured into the immoral den of bright lights seeking a thrill of their own, and like an envied society hostess she delivered. An uncertain danger lingered in the air so thick it gripped you by the throat and if that didn’t choke you out the smog and stench was on standby. Sirens blaring abruptly screamed into your ears ripping your attention away then just as sudden trailed off into the distance. It was a symphony of sound that millions of diehards heard as the familiar serenade of home.

A place of legend and second to none it still wasn’t for everyone, but it was the perfect party mix of delights, distractions, and disappointments, should you be a resident or visitor. And whether you were born there, moved there, or just appreciated what was there it offered something tasty for everybody who hungered to sink their teeth into the juicy big apple. To trek these treacherous streets takes heart. Just as easily as you could live your life to the fullest you could just as easily catch your death and no one ever blinked an eye either way. It was either fantasy or reality, dream or nightmare. It was where I thrived, it was where I lived, it was where I loved, and it was where I once called my home.

As I Strive To Be

Posted: November 26, 2014 in Uncategorized
CandlesI AM not what you want but
 more than what you are
 too ignorant to see.
I AM just as you- HUMAN
Striving each day just to be
Scarred by leagues for centuries 
Further than my dark skin runs deep
We all know I AM a survivor
Enduring more than most
Can ever conceive or believe
Assaulted and maltreated daily
No sight’s end, promise or relief
There’s only concrete evidence
American justice offers nothing
Just a system of never-ending deceit.
But through all the verdicts & heartache
Even as precious young
Lay slain viciously
gunned down in HER streets
I WILL still stand tall
Striving each day
Striving just to be
O. Wallen 11/26/2014

Cryptic Politics

Posted: October 3, 2014 in Uncategorized

In your twisted dialect – you profess your sub par intellect – as ‘wisdom’ but lack the insight of forefathers, who fought for this country’s freedoms

Politicking to make a living – promising things but never giving a good goddamn about the consequence of your actions – which is just a mere fraction – of your heart being in it – cuz it sure ain’t for the benefits of your ever loyal constituents – and we all know it’s just for the dead presidents anyway

While you trail blazing campaigns for more votes – it’s on a real bleak note – that us poor suckers still be broke – feeling the choke hold, the death grip of poverty’s yoke! ! !

You can’t be for real, never mind what you say – because at the of the day -anyone with eyes can see, that the programs you’re defending – are in desperate need of some serious mending

Y’all barely help the needy – cuz we still hungry and you still greedy! But g’head, write another law that you call justice – but what you really mean is, “just us” – who have means should make out like bandits – and for the rest of y’all – here hold this you take these hand outs! ! !

It’s ridiculous really, the injustice! You civic minded candidates spew your web of lies – busy spinning rhetoric and ignoring the cries – of people you were elected to humbly serve – and without a moments pause, have the unmitigated nerve / Smiling for the camera, parading on your morals – as your aide strokes your ego, and helps you with super skills that are oral! ! !

On a platform of “honesty” with one hand you maraud the communal coffers – while seek with the other, more of our pennies and hard earned dollars – you claim false victories for our young naive brothers – who fight on the front lines for freedoms that are time honored

As you condemn them with your pen – feeling justified in your means for an ever important win! You tell me, who is the real enemy again – and to what end is it all for my friend?

It’s the hypocrisy of democracy, and is it all worth it? Id be rich if i had a dollar every time I heard my fello americans always presenting your partisan jargon, and your ‘average Joe’ metaphors – hidden between the lines of your cleverly disguised political mores – and “we the people” are being wrenched to the very being of our cores – to make both ends meet, and further become those two points, so we throw up our hands reluctantly in defeat – and there at the round table you graciously take your seat

Having gotten to that place by shaking a few hands and smiling in our face – and it’s still a crying shame that you bare no disgrace – for robbing Peter to pay Paul robbing both blind – and when it’s all said and done you done robbed us all, it just boggles the mind – and staggering how we don’t trust in God, but let the blind lead the blind.

But still “In God we trust” is the motto that continues to bind us, it’s the Union’s bill of rights to chase and spend that almighty buck, and as the saying goes “by any means necessary” but really, who gives a flying fuck if the people have enough to eat

To get ahead in this world you have to be strong, walk tall, and stand firm on both feet – looking over your back and past a politician’s neverending deceit – it’s almost unbearable to keep up much less even compete – now off go the jobs to foreign lands and out of our reach – but still we pledge allegiances to a flag where the colors don’t bleed, but we do. Cuz it’s our blood sweat and tears – that toil hard for a future that’s filled with fears! ! !

I wish had real answers, not just a long list of questions; like who set this all up and when does it all change – or who do we really speak to, in order to bring about some balance and see it all rearranged

Like, why is it that there’s such a thing called the one percent-and why is there a thing known as the minority population, and the so called ‘majority’ thinks that they’re the ones who’ve been heaven sent / But that’s how it goes down in this unjust system of government – the vicious cycle continues never mind how unfair or redundant

But by now, this might all sound disgruntled or more like a psychotic rant – but to me so is uninformed politicians, who try to sound smart but still sound so damn ignorant / Good or bad it’s just rhetoric I guess, given what we know when you really think of it – like it or leave it- it’s all just Cryptic Politics.

By O’Wallen 10/14